Tennent's
Wellpark Brewery
Maltster isn’t a nickname like “the Davester”. And it's not a spherical chocolate, either. It's a highly skilled profession. Our maltsters expertly mix two kinds of malts together. They steep, germinate and kiln them in precise ratios and at very specific temperatures.
We filter out all impurities: grit; Roman pottery; discarded trombones; everything. A powerful hammer mill then reduces the malts, wheat, barley and maize to a fine powder.
In the brew house, the milled grain has water added to it. And is kept constantly at 65-66°C. The starch is then converted into sugar by magic elves – or enzymes, as they're more truthfully known. The result is mash. And not a sausage in sight.
Next, the mash is forced through fine meshes. The grain husks go to feed cattle but the liquid is kept well away from farmyard animals and woodland creatures of all kinds. Because this is the wort. And is much nicer than it sounds.
“Wort boiling”? Isn't that what the witches in Macbeth did? Nope. It's when hops are added to the wort in the wort kettle. Then it's chilled to 10°C so that yeast can be added.
This is where it all gets interesting.
The yeast, helpful wee chap that it is, converts the natural sugars into alcohol. It takes several days, and the temperature is carefully maintained within half a degree.
We have now reached the stage in the manufacturing process where the lager stops laughing at fart jokes. This is because it becomes mature. To this end, it's stored in tanks (the sort without turrets and caterpillar tracks) for between 3 and 7 days.
Finally, the lager is pasteurised and semi-skimmed. (That's all true, except for the semi-skimmed bit.) 2,000 cans are then filled every minute. And 750 barrels an hour. They’re then sent out to countless happy people across the country. Hooray!